


The Dissidia Frantics

by Kaeda_Blade26



Category: Dissidia: Final Fantasy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Comedy, F/M, Funny, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I would've picked Firion but he's a good boi, I'll leave my son alone, Parody, Poking fun at Lightning and Kain even though I love them, Tifa is a lawyer don't ask, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 06:53:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19246069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaeda_Blade26/pseuds/Kaeda_Blade26
Summary: A parody of the 1984 "Last Will And Temperament" skit by The Frantics with a modern and Final Fantasy twist.





	The Dissidia Frantics

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to do a parody of the 1984 "Last Will And Temperament" skit by The Frantics but with the six characters from Dissidia Duodecim in a modernized setting. As much as I love both Lightning and Kain in the game, I'm gonna poke fun at them in this parody so don't slay me please. This was only for entertainment purposes only so enjoy. Btw Tifa is the lawyer and she will be in her Advent Children outfit for this.

**Tifa:**  As the executor of Ms. Lufenia's estate, I have been empowered to read Ms. Lufenia's Last Will And Testament.

 **Laguna:** Well, get on with it, the bars open soon.

 **Lightning:**  *sobbing* Oh, poor, dear Cosmos! Waaaa!

 **Kain:**  Oh, there, there, Lightning.

 **Vaan:**  *sighs* Gods, how predictably boring.

 **Yuna:** I never worked for a kinder woman.

 **Tifa:** If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.

 **Vaan:** I knew it.

 **Laguna:**  *snickers*

 **Tifa:**  *reading the will* "I, Cosmos Remelia Lufenia, being of sound mind and body..."

 **Laguna:** That's a laugh! *laughs*

 **Tifa:** "...do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows. To my overly emotional sister, Lightning..."

 **Lightning:** Waaaa!

 **Kain:** Lightning, darling, she's talking about us.

 **Lightning:** Oh.

 **Tifa:** "...who grubbed with her husband, Kain, grubbed for everything they could get from me, and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy..."

 **Lightning:** What?

 **Tifa:** "...To Lightning, I leave a boot to the head."

 **Lightning:** A what?

_*BONK!*_

**Lightning:** Ow!

 **Kain:** Lightning, are you okay?

 **Tifa:** "...and another boot to her dragoon husband, Kain."

_*BONK!*_

**Kain:** Ow!

 **Laguna:** *laughing*

 **Lightning:** This is an outrage!

 **Tifa:** "...ah, but still, you are my sister, you have both admired my Golden Chocobo, and since I no longer need it..."

 **Lightning:** Oh, dear Cosmos, she's too kind!

 **Kain:** Yes.

 **Tifa:** "...I bequeath another boot to the head."

 **Lightning:** What?

_*BONK!*_

**Lightning:** Ow!

 **Laguna:** *laughing*

 **Tifa:** "And one more for the dragoon."

_*BONK!*_

**Kain:** Ow!

 **Tifa:** "Next, to my alcoholic brother..."

 **Laguna:** Hey, I don't want no boot to the head!

 **Tifa:** "...to dear Laguna, who has never worked a day in his drunken life..."

 **Laguna:**  *shields his head* I'm coverin' up my head!

 **Tifa:** "...I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey."

 **Laguna:** Really?

 **Tifa:** "And a boot to the head."

_*BONK!*_

**Laguna:** OH!

 **Tifa:** "And another for Lightning and the dragoon."

_*BONK!*_

**Lightning:** Oh!

_*BONK!*_

**Kain:** Ow!

 **Tifa:** "Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Vaan..."

 **Vaan:** This is so predictable...

 **Tifa:** "...I leave a boot to the head."

_*BONK!*_

**Vaan:** Uh! I knew it.

 **Tifa:** "And one for Lightning and the dragoon."

_*BONK!*_

**Lightning:** Ah!

_*BONK!*_

**Kain:** OH!

 **Tifa:** "This takes care of family obligations. And now, to Mrs. Yuna..."

 **Yuna:** Oh, uh, I don't want nothin'.

 **Tifa:** "...who took care of me faithfully these many, many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea..."

 **Yuna:** Oh, I didn't mind.

 **Tifa:** "To Mrs. Yuna, I bequeath a boot to the head."

_*BONK!*_

**Yuna:** OH!

 **Tifa:** "And one for Lightning and the dragoon."

_*BONK!*_

**Lightning:** AH!

_*BONK!*_

**Kain:** OH!

 **Tifa:** "And so, to my moogle Mittens, I leave my entire vast...boot to the head!"

_*BONK!*_

_*KUPO!*_

**Tifa:** "And finally, to my lawyer, Tifa, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head...but a rabid moomba, to be placed in her shorts?!" Auugh!! Oh, ow ow ow ow ow, and, and, "...and I leave my entire estate of 10 million gil to the people of Cornelia so they can afford to move somewhere decent!" Huh.

 **Kain:** Is that it?

 **Vaan:** That's it?!

 **Laguna:** That's disgraceful!

 **Tifa:** There's one last thing for everyone.

 **Laguna:** Cover your heads, everybody!

 **Tifa:** "I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream."

 **Kain:** Ice cream?

 **Laguna:** Ice cream?

 **Vaan:** Ice cream, that's all?

 **Tifa:** That's all.

 **Yuna:** Well, what flavor is it?

 **Tifa:** Boot to the head!

_*BONK!* *BONK!* *BONK!* *BONK!*_

**All:** OW!


End file.
